6/26/10
Unrest
I've been tired lately, emotionally. I don't know exactly why but I've been experiencing a lot of depression-like feelings. Mostly anger. Not at anything in particular, just at everything. I wake up angry. I feel angry all day. I've been short tempered and cranky and all around dissatisfied. I don't understand all these feelings and they feel out of my control. Nathan thinks it might partly be from knowing we are moving, but not knowing when, and so being unable to truly settle in this apartment (since we moved downstairs). We're living 1/2 packed up, with very little on the walls and no colour! Everything is tan!!! Ahhh! Nathan has said that my home is my canvas and I realized it's true... I receive great joy from the creative expression I give to my home. Whether that be cooking and baking, or interior decor choices, or the random crafty things I make and hang on the walls. My home is an expression of who I am and perhaps that is part of why I have been so emotionally drab of late. I have been suffering a lack of creative outlet, and when that happens it's as though everything inside is screaming to get out and it can't. And so I'm left with all this emotion that cannot be channelled as it usually can, and this often results in negative outbursts or times of low depression-like demeanor such as now. Of course, these potential reasons to my behaviour and emotional state are by no means an excuse. All this introspection has led me to realize I have been struggling lately with being content with where I'm at in life, right now, today. I know that if I work on being content with where I am right now and what I have right now I would begin to feel more joyful and less depressed. The question is, however, how do I learn true contentedness?
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That is a BIG question and one I have struggled with for MANY years. I am only NOW seeing that God has a place for those times where He has me waiting for something that I long for. There is so much that I have had to wait for in my life. I can tell you that I went away for about a week in 2005 and begged and pleaded with God for the closeness to Him that I was longing for. I was on a personal retreat for that purpose. I was driving and listening to music because my Bible reading, books I was reading, journaling and prayer times weren't doing what I was longing for. God told me to "wait" and I was crying and said "no" and He repeatedly told me to "wait." This made no sense to me. Why would God want me to wait for the closeness to Him that I was longing for? It makes sense to me now; 5 years later. He has a plan for those times that we are struggling. When things are unsettled. I love you.
ReplyDeleteI blogged about contentment a while back. If you want to read my blog Sarah, let me know.
ReplyDeleteAngie, I'd love to read your musings on contendment!
ReplyDelete