LEAVING!!!

Well we finally heard from immigration last week... they don't have an interview date for us yet, but they are thinking it will be early October. And so because we are evicted at the end of August anyways, and because all our close friends are gone now, and for a couple other reasons, we are leaving tomorrow!!! We are storing our stuff in a storage unit in Three Hills while we become nomads for a couple months because we can't move our stuff into the States yet. So in Three Hills our stuff remains, while we vacate!!! We will be in Montana for a couple days, then Washington for a few weeks, then BC for a few weeks, then Lord willing we will be flying to Quebec for our immigration interview!! My family is also in Quebec so we will visit there for a couple weeks and Lord willing move down to Montana after that! We're hoping by mid October. Once we find a place to live we will come back up for our stuff! It's gonna be a crazy couple months!!!

Here are some pictures of Eva helping me pack... enjoy!

Not only are we still waiting but... We Are Still Here!!!

We just said goodbye to some friends of ours. They have been waiting to leave too, and just packed up and left in less than a week from when they decided it was time.

About 2 weeks ago another friend of mine finally moved her family to where her husband has been working for the past number of months.

My best friend and her family are packing up to leave next week.

All these people finally getting what they've been waiting for, or what they want, and here we are; longing to do what everyone else it doing. I'm so tired of trying to be patient. But I must press on. Not only for the sake of my own sanity, and for that of my family, but also for the sake of the Kingdom. What good is it for me to go around living life bitter and pessimistic and ungrateful for what I do in fact have? What fruit would that produce? I have seen people like that, and I have also looked into my own bathroom mirror, and I do not like what I see. I do not want to be like that. Not anymore. I want to be joyful and grateful and full of thanksgiving, even amidst the storms. This doesn't mean that I will lie about my struggles and pains though. I will be honest, I think it's essential as well. People need to know we are real, and approachable, and fallen, just like they. They need to know that we too feel hurt and struggle with sins and temptations. No one wants to see a plastic smile and artificial happiness that can only come from hiding and pretending that everything is simply great. There is no glory for the Kingdom when we pretend to be perfect at the expense of others feeling shameful and inferior in our presence, or incapable of producing the same robotic happiness in all things. Nor is there any gain for the Kingdom in us being negative and bitter and full of complaint all the time either. No, we must strive for the middle ground, for honesty and integrity in our interactions with others and in how we live our daily lives. What others should see in us, what I hope others will see in me, is a true joy found only in the peace of being in relationship with Jesus Christ, and a peace that will sustain that joy through the storms. I hope they see my heart break when others are suffering. I hope they see my anger flare when injustice is about. And I hope they can see my earnest struggles and shortcomings too, so that there is a comfort in knowing they are not alone, a chance for conversation to spring up out of common ground. I don't want to be a plastic, botoxed-smile Jesus freak, nor a living martyr for sullen holiness. I want to be a touchable, reachable, honest, joyful, living, breathing, struggling, persevering follower of Christ. Though I may not be proud of where I'm at; and though I may be always striving for more, for betterness, for holiness; I am who I am and I am where I am. And people who encounter me deserve to see me for what I am. The good, the bad and the ugly. People need honesty, it's a breeding ground for Truth.

"I am not what I ought to be, I am not what I want to be, I am not what I hope to be; but still I am not what I once used to be, and by the grace of God I am what I am"

~John Newton

Still waiting...

So, as told by the title, we are still waiting on immigration. This is getting quite frustrating as we need to be out of this apartment in one month and should be, in the meantime, packing and making plans but we can't. Our interview for immigration will be in Montreal, and as we are in Alberta, this means it would be nice to have sufficient heads up as to when we need to be in Montreal so we can plan things like flights, where to store our stuff while we are gone, or moving somewhere else temporarily. Yet because we know nothing, we are left feeling the weight of the days ticking past us and our eviction date fast approaching. We cannot book flights, we cannot pack anything more, we cannot stay much longer yet we cannot leave. We have tossed many ideas around, such as moving early to Quebec and staying with my family while we wait for the interview, but this only works if the interview isn't too far out, and preferably if Nathan can get a  job out there. Which, it looks like, is a possibility. Second, we've thought about moving temporally to Washington with Nathan's family and waiting until it's time to go to Montreal. Again, preferably if Nathan can get a job. I would be legally allowed to reside in the states for 6 months as a visitor. However this idea only works if the interview is a long ways out. So, as you can see, we are at a standstill, waiting, frustrated and unable to plan or make any moves or changes. We are simply stuck. And I hate feeling stuck. It's kinda like emotional claustrophobia. I feel my insides screaming for change, for the ability to run, to move, to do something, anything, yet I am caged and cannot be free... we are a slave to the immigration system which has us in the very place I would do anything to be free form: the unknown. I know this is an opportunity to trust God with His timing and His plan and His provision, and I'm trying, but it is so hard to do so when Nathan and I are both so tired and so done with being here. We so badly want to move on and feel like caged birds, unable to do as we please. It is frustrating as an adult to have to wait until you are told what to do or have permission to proceed. It grates on us daily like the the chains around our ankles. Everything in me is under so much pressure, like a pressure cooker, ready to burst, to let out steam. I can't explain it much beyond that, but it builds each day and emotionally I am a wreck. I have fits of anger and crying and sheer frustration almost daily. Every day I walk with Eva to the post office, praying fervently that God would deliver us from this stagnant state by means of that letter being in my mailbox. And everyday I turn the key with eyes half shut, afraid to look, both optimism and pessimism strung up in the air, and I open it... nothing. My shoulders fall, a sigh escapes and I feel that much more broken and defeated. Lord where are you in all this? You say you will never leave me nor forsake me, do I really believe it? I think I do. I've seen it true in the past. And you are the same yesterday today and tomorrow, so I will try to be patient, I will try to trust fully, I will try to leave it all in your hands. "I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them." (Isaiah 42:16) Lord deliver us. Deliver me. If not from this waiting game then from my angry heart, my negative spirit, my un-trusting soul. Lord come be the breath I need so desperately right now. Come be the water I thirst for, the comfort and companion I crave. As depleted as I am I will carry on. I will walk in faith and, with your strength, in hope. I will wait on You, Lord, to deliver the news of immigration in Your time. Jehovah-Jireh.

Unrest

I've been tired lately, emotionally. I don't know exactly why but I've been experiencing a lot of depression-like feelings. Mostly anger. Not at anything in particular, just at everything. I wake up angry. I feel angry all day. I've been short tempered and cranky and all around dissatisfied. I don't understand all these feelings and they feel out of my control. Nathan thinks it might partly be from knowing we are moving, but not knowing when, and so being unable to truly settle in this apartment (since we moved downstairs). We're living 1/2 packed up, with very little on the walls and no colour! Everything is tan!!! Ahhh! Nathan has said that my home is my canvas and I realized it's true... I receive great joy from the creative expression I give to my home. Whether that be cooking and baking, or interior decor choices, or the random crafty things I make and hang on the walls. My home is an expression of who I am and perhaps that is part of why I have been so emotionally drab of late. I have been suffering a lack of creative outlet, and when that happens it's as though everything inside is screaming to get out and it can't. And so I'm left with all this emotion that cannot be channelled as it usually can, and this often results in negative outbursts or times of low depression-like demeanor such as now. Of course, these potential reasons to my behaviour and emotional state are by no means an excuse. All this introspection has led me to realize I have been struggling lately with being content with where I'm at in life, right now, today. I know that if I work on being content with where I am right now and what I have right now I would begin to feel more joyful and less depressed. The question is, however, how do I learn true contentedness?

Waiting... Packing... Waiting... Packing... (and thoughts on thrift stores)

Over the last few months I've been slowly purging items we don't need and sorting them into yardsale-ables and just trash. I've also taken the opportunity to pack items we are keeping but don't need at the moment in preparation for "THE BIG MOVE". Doing this kind of stuff just thrills me!!! I LOVE organizing and purging!!! It's sooooo rewarding!!! But now, I have this HUGE pile of crap waiting for the 19th of June when the annual main street yardsale will take place. I just love this event as I love yardsales and I love finding treasures for cheep!!! In fact, most of our possessions are either thrift store or yardsale finds! But even more than being exited to shop this year at the big yardsale, I cannot wait to get rid of my stuff!!! This will also be satisfying, not to mention rewarding for the savings account!!! For the annual yardsale you must book a table ahead of time and then show up early to pick your spot, pay your $20 fee and set up your stuff!!! Then around 9 (I think, or is it 8?) eager shoppers begin cruising the street up and down in search of treasures! The event goes until around noon. Last year I was mostly a shopper, but 2 years ago I split a table with a friend and made $180 profit!!! This year I couldn't split the table to save my life, I'll have trouble even having room for all of my own stuff!!! This is a picture of about 2/3 of out stuff!!! As you can see, it's a lot!

Speaking of thrift stores, both Nathan and I have realized that we would like to intentionally buy most of our stuff there, rather than purchase it new. For a few reasons:

~It saves butt loads of cash!!

~There are many stores and corporations who's practices and ethics we do not support.

~Nathan and I both realized that when we are shopping in malls or department stores etc. our attitude and perspectives change for the worse. At least for me, I am really affected by all the advertising and bombardment of media. A lot of women struggle with body image and self worth and I am not excluded here by any means. Also I find my attitude becomes more of "I need this... and this... and this..." or "I want this..." and I begin to find myself becoming more worldly and materialistic in my thinking. Don't get me wrong, I love stuff, and love buying nicknack's for my home that I don't necessarily "need", but there is a difference in being thrifty and decorating your home or dressing your family in creative ways, and adapting an attitude of wanting more and more and becoming too focused on worldly possessions. And since this is something I struggle with already, I have decided it is best to stay clear of malls and the like.

~It is just plain fun!!! I find it quite thrilling to search for items in thrift stores! It's like a challenge or a treasure hunt! And how satisfying when you come away with a bag of clothing or household stuff for a small fraction of the cost!!!

We have come to realize that most things; be it clothing, some furniture, household items, kitchen items; can be found at thrift stores if you are willing to search. And it opens up a whole new meaning to the word creative!!!  There are, of course, a few things we don't buy there, namely undergarments (that just gives me the heabie jeebies!!!) and typically jeans, as Nathan and I have rarely been successful at finding jeans that fit right at thrift stores. We typically buy good quality jeans that will last a long time, as we wear them, a lot!

WOW, all this talk of thrift stores has got me in the mood to go shopping!!! What can I say? I'm a woman!!!

Montana Bound...

This past weekend we went down to Montana for Camp Bighorn's annual work weekend. We worked along side staff and volunteers in the rain (man do I love the smell of rain in the woods, I can't help but just breath in the beauty of it) doing odd jobs here and there that needed tended to before the busy summer season. I was a part of the clean up of both the small and large ponds. We shoveled dirt (which quickly became mud), moved rocks, stacked rocks, cleared paths and streams and filled up the large pond to capacity. It was tiring work and it was cold and wet, but the spirits of the people there were warm and friendly, and I'll admit, it felt good to work hard like that. I had my almost 11 month old on my back most of the time while I was working, and if she wasn't there, she was on my front. So that added an extra 20 lbs!!! But she loves being close to mommy most of the time, and when she felt like she needed to burn some energy, we went into the lodge to let her crawl around. And boy can she move!!! She is walking some too, but usually chooses to crawl as she knows that is still fastest.

Eva looks a little dopey here! If I remember right, she fell asleep not long after this photo was snapped.

While we were down there; working in the rain and warming up with hot chocolate and friends; we took care of some logistical stuff too. Our dear friends J&S helped to get our page on the Camp Bighorn website set up. If you take a look under staff and click our names we have our very own staff page!!! However there is still nothing on it, as I have yet to upload a family picture and such. But, I hope to do so soon!!! For all your viewing pleasure! We also learned some more about raising support and downloaded a program which will help me (the organized one) to keep track of people from both Canada and the U.S. who are supporting us and/or receiving our newsletters. We are all set up to receive support from U.S. donors and are on our way to having stuff set up for our Canadian donors as well. The next big thing on my list is to compose and mail out our first newsletter. After, that is, I create a list of people we wish to have on our correspondence list.

So, our visit was both fun and profitable. And hopefully of some help to Camp. They were definitely of help to us. Our next trip down will be in early July for Camp's 25th anniversary. We will also use that trip to hopefully find a place to rent when we do in fact move. By July we should definitely have received word of our interview date for immigration, Lord willing. We both realized, as we drove further north and further away from the mountains, trees and rivers that is "big sky country", that each time we leave to head back for Alberta, the more we are aching to be down there permanently. I am tired of Three Hills. The town is great, but the scenery is nauseating! I need trees and water and mountains! And it will be nice to no longer be in flux. To no longer know we are moving but not know when. To no longer be living with half our stuff in boxes, waiting for our next home. But it will be bittersweet. We have made some great friends here over the years, and though many have themselves moved on, my dearest and closest friend is here and I despair to leave her. what will I do without dear H? She is the best friend I have ever had. She is the friend I've cried out to God for my entire life. And I've only known her less than a year. I will miss her dearly. But there are also friends we have made in Montana who we eagerly wait to be in closer commune with. And so, as I've said, it is bittersweet. But we are ready to move.

Introductions

I had the following 2 short paragraphs as info on me on a forum I frequent, and I thought it would be a good thing to copy and paste over here for those of you who don't know me that well. It's just a short blip about who I am and a few things I value.

My name is Sarah and my husband is Nathan. We are disciples of Christ. Our daughter Eva Esther was born July 9th, 2009. We are currently working on my immigration papers to move down to Montana. I am very much pro: natural childbirth, extended breastfeeding, cloth diapering, co-sleeping, attachment parenting, anti-spanking, baby-wearing, healthy eating, active living, and homeschooling. We love the Lord and strive to live as Jesus lived, believing that He set the perfect example of how to walk on this earth, loving those around us. We are not religious or legalistic. We are striving to be a grace-based family.

"To love, to love, to love. To hell with the rest." We strive to live with this as our life motto. Seems odd at first, but look again. If the action or word or motive in question is not done in love, then put it far from you. We beleive whole-heartedly in the 2 greatest commandments, "love God and love you neighbor". If it does neither, "to hell with it".

Well there you have it. The synopsis. I'll elaborate further later down the road on our life motto, as we beleive it to be foundational. For now, that was us in a nutshell.

Intro to Blog World

It seems odd to be doing this; writing to what appears to be the empty abyss of cyberworld; but I am hoping at least a few people find me here and read my musings lest I be reduced to typing into empty space. Which, I fear, may even be worse than talking to one's self. I hesitate to embark on this strange journey of "blogging", much like I hesitate to leave messages on answering machines when calling people on the phone. For reasons which I have yet to fully realise, I have always been mildly terrified of leaving messages, as it always leaves me with this lurking feeling of having spoken to no one, and therefore being either slightly insane, or worse; leaving open the possibility of being heard. Yes, I am slightly paranoid. So it should come to no surprise; to any of you who might be hearing me now; that this is a stretch for me when it comes to comfort zones. Yet here I am. Hoping to both keep the curious informed of where we are at in life and where God is taking us, and to have the option of tossing my musings to those of you who could feign being entertained by the debriefing of my mind.